I Finally Made IT!

In the great words of Sandra Bernhard..."I'll still here goddammit!"

Amy and Colin have been telling me for weeks and years to do this.

How could this be...I'm starting a blog and I really don't think I have enough to say...

One thing is for sure...I take pictures.

Today, I woke up. I felt sick. The sick of the mind.

My psycho pharmacologist changed my meds on me. Isn't that what I wanted anyway. Up on the Lamictal (mood stabilizer)...I'm a walking zombie zapped of highs and lows...except, this middle ground feels like a one-sided outerspace abyss. I'm looking through a foggy window. I can see myself. My head is hung low as I slowly put one foot ahead of the other. I'm walking in straight lines, never ending straight lines, with a saddle on my back and a bit in my mouth. I can't look to the right and I can't look to the left.

I know this person. I haven't seen her in a while....she is a foreboding of a past I no longer want to visit. But, I can still recognize her.

Down on the anti-depressant, Nardil.

Let me interject here that I have never met another person, at least within my circle or through "friends" on Facebook who also take these old school meds. Recently, I found out that Marilyn Monroe took an MAOI....this didn't make my situation seem any more promising...all I can think of is a faded Polaroid of her sitting up in her bed in a house coat holding onto her precious Maltese dog. The bed covered in satiny white, the shape of a circle, and the walls a baby blue puke of that era.

Does anyone out there remember that dog's name?

Last night bad karma turned into today's bad karma.

Now, it just isn't good but possibly normal for me to drink half a bottle of white crap Sauvignon Blanc. I went to the the ghetto liquor store in Jersey City, after my intern left for the day. I could barely touch my feelings before the first drink.

A solitary soup at my dining room table and a plan to take it a step farther. I bundle up in layers on a temperate December night and surreptitiously make it over to the Pathmark to buy my favorite binge....a box of small square Butterfingers, a Dove chocolate and almond chocolate bar and a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch ice cream.